Saturday, December 29, 2012

Emotions...


I hope everybody had a lovely Christmas?
I've spent some time with my family, eating too much and laughing with old memories. It was nice, but for me it felt different than other years. Somehow it seems like I'm no longer part of that family. Like I've deserted from them... My parents divorced almost 6 years ago now and everybody always said that it would be okay. That the beginning would be difficult, but after a while everything would be normal again. But it never became normal and yes, the beginning was difficult. But for me, the hardest part has just begun. Recently I moved in together with my boyfriend and finally, I have a home again. A place where I am happy and where I feel like coming home. 

Since the divorce of my parents, I always lived with my mother. She always tried to make the best of it. But at the other side, I barely saw my father. Although I never said it to him, I really miss him a lot. It feels like I've lost him in a strange way. I really miss the days when we stood in the bathroom and he was doing bodybuilding moves in front of the mirror. He always made me laugh when he did that. Or when I was a little girl I always held his little finger because his hands were to big for my little hands. Good old memories...

Now everything has changed. There's no longer a 'family', now there's only me and the rest of the world. My mother has her new life with her boyfriend now, and my father is always busy with his hobbies. The only two persons I have are my brother and sister, because they are in the same boat as me. They are the only ones who understand how I feel...

This year was the first Christmas since I moved in together and I thought this would be the best Christmas ever. But it wasn't, at all. A couple of weeks ago, we were talking with the whole family about Christmas Eve. I asked if I had to prepare something and the answer was: "Oh, are you coming too?". Like I wasn't even invited. That felt like a knife right through my heart. I forgot that this family only cares for my mother and her new boyfriend. Everybody acts like she's seventeen again and she brings home her first boyfriend. They only think about her "new life" and we are only part of the past. I forgot how hypocrite they are. 

I'll guess I have to make my own life with my own little family. And I'll have to give my kids the life I always desired, but never had. At least, they will be loved and wanted!

What do you think about divorce? Are there people who experienced something like this? 
I always wonder how other people feel who experienced the divorce of their parents.
I hope New Years Eve will bring some joy!
Have a happy end of the year!

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